Hotel Sex

Working at a hotel at night has its perks, I don't have to deal with very many 

people and you get to catch up on all those Netflix movies I've been missing. But, as with most things, there is always a catch. I'm constantly tired, and I find myself getting extremely annoyed with the people in the room above the my office. Almost every night I can hear the people above me having drunken, squeaky hotel bed sex and I find myself extremely perturbed that it is not me. I have been so busy I haven’t been able to shit in peace let alone have an orgasm, and when other people who are much less attractive than myself are getting off right above me I think I am fully within my rights to hate their guts and set a wake up call really early just to piss them off. 

My nearly month long sabbatical from nocturnal activities has taught me that I can control myself, just that I don’t like to. I love that feeling of a mans weight on me and when they suck on that dip in you throat where you collar bone is... if I have not been penetrated by this weekend I am going to go up to the room where they are having sex and kick the other bitch out so I can get laid! 

Spring Cleaning Relationships

     While I have never been broken up with (its over when I say it is bitches!), I still feel some very deep resentment towards people I have once cared for. It's much easier for me to deal with being angry than being hurt...not that I've exactly been hurt either...mostly just profoundly annoyed with the person. I needed to stop wanting to wring a particular persons neck every time he contacted me so I decided that in order to not end up a jaded old bitch (or commit a felony), that it was time to spring clean my dating closet. I need to clear out all the crap and emotional nonsense so that I can be a better functioning human being and also have the potential of having better relationships. I have to learn to forget the past trials and tribulations and vacuum away all the cobwebs so that when I hear someones name I don't instantly want to kick a small child. I need to let go and simply live.  However all this is much easier said than done. So until I figure out a way to forgive and forget I will continue hating his guts ... besides it makes for much more entertaining stories.

ONLINE DATING VIRGIN

     I always thought online dating was for desperate women and old creepy men looking for some barely legal girl to anal probe. But, a few friends had become addicted to it and I found myself curious to see what all the hype was about. I saw a particular website in a music video and I decided that if its good enough for Jason Derulo its good enough for this pasty white girl. So I went through the grueling task of setting up my dating profile and once finished I didn't think it was half bad. Much to my surprise not ten minutes went by when I got two emails; however that surprise quickly turned into horror when I saw who decided to email me. The first was a man about 53 and while I have been known to find silver foxes appealing, this creature was no fox. He looked like an obese trucker with a mullet and Kirstie Alley had a love child. The next 'guy' wasn't much better; although he was only 24 he looked like a drug dealer and had two kids that looked like they belonged  in a UNICEF commercial. Needless to say I was not amused.

     Once I sifted through the creepers and drug addicts I found a few decent possibilities. A guy and I started talking and after about a week we decided to meet up for a standard movie date. He seemed normal and didn't look like a serial killer and was actually pretty cute so I didn't think there would be any problems... I was wrong.

     The theater he picked was in a part of town I was not familiar with, (although seeing as I only know how to get to 4 places here that's not unusual) so I Googled it...it was in the San Antonio equivalent of East L.A... in other words not a place where your average middle class white girl would find herself going with a stranger she met online. I should have called it off once I saw that but I didn't. The next bad sign was when I had to pick him up. That's right I had to pick up my own date. He called me that morning asking me for a ride to the theater, I asked him if his car had died and then the tells me "oh I don't have a car". But he was cute so I let it slide...I shouldn't have. Once we actually got to the movie theater it got even worse. He made me pay for my own ticket, I normally would have insisted to buy my own anyway but I at least want to have him offer. Needless to say I fucking ran out of the theater once the movie was over, told him I had to go to the bathroom, and ditched him.
   
     I have since decided that I was right in not trusting internet dating. It's much easier to meet people organically since you can if the persons a freak right away before you spend an agonizing afternoon with them. Turns out online dating really is for creepy desperate people.

Someone like You

There is always one relationship in life that you regret. Sometimes it’s that guy that you know you shouldn’t be with but are, and sometimes it’s a relationship that never really came to a definitive end, but in my case I regret one that never really started.

I’d known him for years and we had always been good friends, but one night it changed, and just for that instant it was amazing.  But after that night we never really talked…at least not like we used to.  We both wanted different things out of life, and it probably would never have worked out anyway, but there is still a part of me that wonders …what if? 

What’s even sadder and even more pathetic is I think I could have been in love with him. Actually I think that there is still a part of me that still is.

When I heard Adele’s song “Someone like you” I instantly saw his face.  I can honestly say that I can see myself looking him up in 20 years and then, just like in the song, finding out that he’s married and has a family, while I’m still searching for someone like him.  Maybe it’s just the fact that it is rainy and gloomy that  I being so sappy and a little bitter, but after all this time if someone still has that kind of hold over you, it makes me wonder if maybe eventually the lyrics will change and the song might have a chance for a happy ending.

vibrator or real dick?

Some people think that if you own a vibrator that means you don’t need a man. This is completely false… if you have a vibrator,body pillow,can opener, and the access code to an ATM then you don’t need a man.
 A friend once said that when she finds a man whose penis vibrates then she will have sex. Has our dependence on battery operated devices tainted our appreciation for the real thing?

Some women say that they can’t get off without any stimulation.These women are just LAZY. Sure it take longer without the help of multiple pulsation speeds but you can still ‘O’ from good old fashioned penetration. Sure you may have to spend more than five minutes with the guy but aren’t these the same bitches that always complain that sex doesn’t last long enough?

Mom Jeans, Shoes, and Walmart

just an example of the horror that awaits you at Walmart

I woke up this morning to find my mom frantically searching for something in the living room.

"What did you lose?"

"How did you know I lost something?"

"Uh maybe cause your looking  under the couch"

"Oh ya... Anyway have you seen my black heals?"

"You mean those disgusting elastic Walmart witch shoes"

"Walmart isn't disgusting. They have some nice clothes."

 "The clothes are only nice if your 600 lb diabetic redneck woman from Idaho "

At this point she rolls her eyes at me," If you see them let me know."

Tragically I haven't seen the shoes but if I did I would burn them. You see my mother is completely delusional and thinks Walmart is a wonderful place to shop, despite my constantly telling her that the only people that shop there are trailer trash and people that sell oranges on the side of the freeway.I even threatened to post a picture of her in her camel-toe mom jeans on the web site People of Walmart! I suppose some people are just happier being blissfully ignorant of their stupidity.

Humanity is fucked in the ass by an Amish Leprechaun

Note* this image is not one of my cousin however it is a prime example if what his neck beard looked like.

While Facebook stalking the other day I came across a newer picture of my friend Stephanie. Stephanie is possibly the only person alive who actually has no cynical or mean bone in her body and is only out shined by the likes of Mother Teressa  and Madonna. She also happens to be dating my cousin Mike, and other than her preference for freckled pasty white meat, I believed her to have impeccable taste. She was my one hope for the human race in that maybe if she procreates there will be some decent people running around; but sadly my hopes for our world took a brutal anal assault .

I had to drop something off at my Aunt's house and on my way in I ran into the two of them. Stephanie as usual looked lovely; my cousin on the other hand was another story. He has been playing around with facial hair for some time now and despite my constant belittling remarks he refuses to shave. But this was not your normal facial bush. I saw to my horror around my cousin an Amish neck beard....But it only gets worse. My cousin Mike like myself had blond hair, but this horrifying new bush was bright red.

 "What the fuck is on your head mountain man?!!!

"It's a beard Jessica."

"You look like a 6 foot tall multicolored Amish leprechaun!" 

Nothing could have prepared me for the next earth shattering remark from Stephanie...

"I love his beard" and then she proceeded to stroke his furry red neck.

I was obviously too grossed out to continue talking so I made a hasty good bye as they were on their way out and high tailed it away from the carrot top neck as quickly as my fat thighs would carry me.
If such an intelligent, amiable girl whom I once thought could be the next Catholic idol could go over to the dark side and actually like something that looked like Carrot Top's pubic hair around a persons neck; humanity is screwed.